The watch blogosphere has been busily hyping up watches this year. Whether it’s the latest John Mayer G-shock collab or a Ming with the hands oh-so-slightly askew, the blogs will find a way to sell you on something that benefits themselves or their friends. Here are my picks for the most overhyped watches of 2021.

Cartier Tank Must

Cartier. Get it, rectangles!

The Must de Cartier collection was a series of cheap watches that was popular in the 1980’s. Mostly quartz with an occasional mechanical movement, these are sort of the bottom of the barrel for vintage Cartier collectors. For some reason Cartier, which by the way wins the award for the most overhyped watch brand of the year, decided to revive the “Must” name which it had previously tossed in the garbage in an attempt to fancy up their brand. These steel, quartz watches with simple dials in primary colors will set you back a cool $2,730. Personally, I’d rather have one of the rectangular Oris watches which at least have an ETA mechanical movement inside and some interest to the dial design.

That’s better

The Two Tone Rolex Explorer

That squeaking sound you hear is watch journalists tying themselves into knots trying to explain why this design doesn’t completely suck. News flash: it sucks. This is really an “Emperor has no clothes” situation. I mean, look at this atrocity. It’s not the two tone itself. I’m not a huge fan but I get two tone 1980’s Datejusts. They’re on a Jubilee bracelet and most of the time they have a fluted bezel. In other words, they are DRESS WATCHES.

HQMilton.com

The Explorer is not a dress watch. There’s some BS about Mount Everest but nonetheless, it’s supposed to be a mountaineering watch (even if it’s an Oyster Perpetual in disguise). The gold on the smooth bezel, center link of the sporty Oyster bracelet, and the hour markers is just…wrong.

A Solid Gold Tudor Black Bay 58

You know, I probably dislike this one the least out of this group. To me, this is the new P01. It has some vague historical associations and ultimately it makes no sense but they kinda went for it, you know? I get it Tudor, green is in at big daddy Rolex so you want to get in on the action. And the Black Bay 58 is the new Black Bay 1.0. But let me tell you Tudor, first of all, gold watch on a NATO is very Theo and Harris of you. Second, everything about the watch is exactly the same as a regular BB58 except the color and the material. Big daddy can get away with that, but can you? Third, why are you displaying your movement? It’s just not that special to look at. Go home Tudor, you’re drunk.

Baltic Monopusher Only Watch

$54,771. For a Baltic. With a Venus 150 inside. WHAAAAA???

For a comp, here’s an original watch with a Venus 150 chronograph movement that sold on eBay for $588, or about 1% of the Baltic. It even has the name of a college which is in Boston, but not IN Boston you know.

I would have bought it if it said Princeton

Good for the charity, and I suppose, good for you Baltic. It’s like Psy and Gangam Style. You’re going to have a tough time beating this one!

You Know Who With You Know What

You know what? If LVMH doesn’t buy Patek Philippe next year, I think everyone is going to go WTF. The guy who bought the Olive 5711 is probably pissed right now. Again, you hear that squeaking sound? That’s watch journalists tying themselves into knots saying stuff like “well, this watch isn’t for you anyway.” They say that because the whole situation is just fucked up so there’s no way to justify it other than to tell you to hush. When you ask “OH DEAR GOD WHY???” they respond with “PATEK MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHY.” But they’re not getting a 5711 either so don’t worry about it. I think we’ll all remember this as the year that Patek Philippe stopped caring about watches and started caring only about the money. So if this makes you sad, or angry, good. That means you can still feel something about watches. Take that passion and buy something you love.